De meeste sprookjes gaan over de st

De meeste sprookjes gaan over de strijd tussen goed en kwaad. En dat lijkt me ook hier het geval. Als ik het goed begrepen heb is de enige misdaad die het meisje heeft gepleegd, het bekijken van de vogels die 's morgens in haar window sill gaan zitten. Een nogal onschuldige bezigheid, lijkt me.
Haar gehandicapte broer is jaloers op haar gaafheid en onschuld. Maar het wordt me niet duidelijk waarom. Ze geeft in het geheel geen aanleiding tot zijn jalouzie, ze is een soort Sneeuwwitje.
Ik heb veel bijvoeglijke naamwoorden en overbodige beschrijvingen geschrapt, want ze voegen niets toe aan het verhaal. Zonder de uitweidingen zou het veel spannender kunnen zijn.
Wat ik het meeste mis is een conflict, dat matters. De vader en de moeder spelen in het geheel geen enkele rol. Waarom niet? Het lijkt erop, dat het meisje een schuldgevoel zou moeten hebben wat betreft de mismaaktheid van haar broertje, maar dat is toch een beetje onzin?
Waarom heeft het broertje zo'n hekel aan haar? Hij is duidelijk een psychopatisch geval, een gevaarlijke gek zelfs, waartegen het meisje zou moeten kunnen optreden. Tenminste, dat denk ik. Geef haar opeens mysterieuze krachten (die je wel moet verklaren) om het broertje zelf in een ekster te doen veranderen. Zoiets zou aan de lezer meer tevredenheid over het verloop geven. Het kwaad wordt altijd gestraft, zo iets.

Dan zou het einde ook wat geloofwaardiger zijn.
Mijn advies zou zijn: bekijk hoe in bestaande sprookjes de verhaallijn is, hoe de karakters gevormd worden en vooral hoe er sprake is van een heroische strijd tegen het kwaad. De karakters zijn nu veel te plat, ze komen haast niet tot leven. Dat het broertje verbitterd is kan iedereen wel begrijpen, maar waarom leeft hij dat op zijn zusje uit?

Resultaten (Engels) 1:

Most fairy tales are about the struggle between good and evil. And I think that is also the case here. If I have understood correctly is the only crime that has committed the girl, watching the birds that morning in her window sill. A rather innocent activity, seems to me.Her handicapped brother is jealous of her flawlessness and innocence. But it is not clear to me why. She gives no rise to his blind, she is a kind of snow white.I have a lot of adjectives and deleted unnecessary descriptions, because they add nothing to the story. Without the digressions would be much more exciting.What I miss most is a conflict, that matters. The father and the mother play no role at all. Why not? It seems, that the girl should have regard to the guilt of her brother facial disfigurement, but surely this is a bit crap?Why does the little brother just hate her? He is clearly a psychopatisch case, a dangerous crazy even, against which the girl should be able to occur. At least, I think so. Give her all of the sudden mysterious forces (which you do have to be stated) to the little brother in a magpie to do change. Something like that would give more satisfaction to the reader about the course. Evil is always punished, so slightly.It would also end what more credible.My advice would be: view how existing fairy tales in the storyline is, how the characters are formed and especially how there is a heroic battle against evil. The characters are now far too flat, they hardly come to life. That the brother exasperated is anyone can understand, but why he lives that on his little sister out?

Resultaten (Engels) 2:

Most stories are about the battle between good and evil. And that seems to be the case here. If I have understood correctly, the only crime committed by the girl, watching the birds in the morning to sit in her window sill. A rather harmless pastime, I guess.
Her disabled brother is jealous of her integrity and innocence. But it is not clear to me why. She does not at all lead to his jealousy, she is a kind of Snow White.
I have deleted many adjectives and unnecessary descriptions, because they add nothing to the story. Without digressions would be much more exciting.
What I miss most is a conflict that matters. The father and the mother play absolutely no role whatsoever. Why not? It seems that the girl should have a sense of guilt with regard to the deformity of her brother, but that's a bit rubbish?
Why brother did hate her? He is clearly a psychopathic case, a dangerous lunatic even, which the girl should occur. At least that's what I think. Suddenly give her mysterious powers (which you must declare) to do change the brother himself into a magpie. Such a thing would be to give the reader more satisfaction about the course. Evil is always punished, something.

Then the end would have some credibility.
My advice would be: look at how existing fairy tales the story is, the characters are formed and especially how there is a heroic struggle against evil. The characters are too flat, they do not rush to life. The embittered brother is everyone can understand, but why he lives on his sister out?

Resultaten (Engels) 3:

most of the stories about the battle between good and evil. and that seems to be the case here. as i understand it, is the only girl who committed the crime, watching the birds in the morning sit in her window sill. a kind of innocent pastime seems to me.her disabled brother is jealous of her awesomeness and innocence. but it is not clear to me why. she's in no reason to be jealous, she is a kind of snow.i have many adjectives and their descriptions are deleted, because they add nothing to the story. without the digressions would be more exciting.what i miss most is a conflict, that matters. the father and mother in the whole play no role. why not? it seems that the girl should have a guilt regarding the deformity of her brother, but that's a little nonsense?why did the little brother dislike her so much? he is clearly a psychopath, crazy even which girl should occur. at least, i think. give her a mysterious forces (which you should explain to the brother) in a magpie to change. would the reader more satisfaction with the progress. evil is always punished, something like that.it would end some credibility.my advice would be: look at how existing fairy tales in the plot, the characters are formed and how there is a heroic fight against evil. the characters are too flat, they are hardly to life. the brother is very bitter, everyone can understand, but why he lives on his sister?