Het vrijgezellenfeest lijkt op een

Het vrijgezellenfeest lijkt op een B-film uit de jaren vijftig en dat bedoel ik niet denigrerend, want je hebt het goed beschreven. Je beschrijvingen zijn prachtig, maar het gevoel bekruipt me, dat de verhouding tussen de MC en Loretta nogal krap door de bocht is. Ze kennen elkaar nauwelijks en gaan dan hup met elkaar naar bed. Terwijl hij zichzelf beschrijft als een hustler, is hij toch meteen verkocht. Dat verdient enige uitleg.
Dat de vader een bully is is duidelijk, maar de MC zou toch ergens anders kunnen leven, weg van dit verstikkende heerschap. Trouwens, zijn dochter lijkt me ook geen makkelijke tante. Waarom valt hij eigenlijk op haar?
Mijn voorstel zou zijn: kort het begin in (het hengstenbal) en concentreer meteen op de verhouding met Loretta en haar vader. Mooie naam overigens Bonvillain (goede schurk). Of besteed meer aandacht aan zijn bonvivant levensstijl voorheen (de vrouwen op de golfclubs) en waarom hem dat gaat vervelen.

Resultaten (Engels) 1:

The bachelorette party looks like a B-movie from the fifties and I don't mean that disparagingly, because you have the well described. Your descriptions are wonderful, but again, the feeling that the relationship between the MC and Loretta rather tight through the curve. They hardly know each other and go to bed with each other than hup. While he describes itself as a hustler, he is instantly hooked. That deserves some explanation.That the father is a bully is clear, but the MC would still be able to live somewhere else, away from this suffocating gentleman. Besides, his daughter seems to me also no easy aunt. Why does he actually on her?My proposal would be: short the beginning in (the hengstenbal) and immediately focus on the relationship with Loretta and her father. Nice name, by the way, Bonvillain (good villain). Or paid more attention to his bonvivant lifestyle before (the women on the golf clubs) and why him that getting bored.

Resultaten (Engels) 2:

The hen looks like a B movie from the fifties and I do not mean to denigrate, as you described it well. Your descriptions are wonderful, but the feeling comes over me that the relationship between the MC and Loretta fairly tight through the corner. They barely know each other and then go hop to bed together. While he describes himself as a hustler, he is still hooked. That deserves some explanation.
The fact that the father was a bully is obvious, but the MC would still be able to live somewhere else, away from the stifling gentleman. Besides, his daughter also seems no easy aunt. Why he actually falls for her?
My suggestion would be: short the beginning (the stag) and concentrate immediately on the relationship with Loretta and her father. Nice name, incidentally Bonvillain (good villain). Or pay more attention to his bonvivant lifestyle before (the women at clubs) and why him get bored.

Resultaten (Engels) 3:

the bachelor party looks like a b - movie from the 1950s and no offence, because you are well described. your descriptions are beautiful, but the awful feeling that the relationship between the mc and loretta crowded by the curve. they hardly know each other and then go to bed. while he describes himself as a hustler, he immediately sold. that deserves some explanation.the father is a bully is clear, but the mc was somewhere else to live away from the suffocating him. besides, his daughter is also not easy aunt. why is he on her?my proposal is: short (stag) in the beginning and focus on the relationship with loretta and her father. good name is bonvillain (good villain). or paid more attention to his bon vivant lifestyle before (the women's clubs) and why it is boring.